Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
