What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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