Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
