woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
