so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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