I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
