All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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