she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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