now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
