I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
