yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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