1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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