So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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