Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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