you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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