I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
