I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
