my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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