I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
