if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
