as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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