I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
