make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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