eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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