did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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