Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
