He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
