My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
