If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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