My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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