It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
