When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
