THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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