i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
