if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
