i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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