im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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