you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
His nipple licking is glorious
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