I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
