my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
