i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
