I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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