He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
