I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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