Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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