So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
