i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
