I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
she peed on how many people?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
