You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
