Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
