What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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