Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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