note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
